Missing The LDS Church

I've never admitted this to any of my friends or family but I miss being in the LDS bubble. Please don't take offense to my calling it a bubble. For me it was a place of security like a favorite blanket which, up until my mid twenties, was a major part of my identity.

I grew up in a strict LDS home in Omaha where going to church every Sunday was required and so was going to Young Womens and seminary. I was the Molly Mormon whom my mom called "a good girl".  I chose to go to an LDS college because I had a strong testimony and I knew that if I went to a regular college that my faith would be tested. My goal in life was to marry in the temple and to have children. I wanted to be a mother more than anything.

After graduating from college and finding myself without a career, I became very angry and depressed. My brother and some of my sisters had stopped going to church. My brother's girlfriend became pregnant and my mother disappointed me with her reaction to the situation.

My dad lost his job and we all all moved to Louisiana shortly after hurricane Katrina. I was living in a three bedroom trailer sleeping on the couch and having the worst Christmas of my life and despising my mom for her insensitivity. Thankfully, my best friend let me go live with her, her husband, and their toddler. It was there that I began to doubt my beliefs. Her husband gave me a book on Joseph Smith and his wives and possible illegitimate children.

I missed Omaha and returned to live there with one of my sisters. We went to church together. Sometimes I would go by myself. On one not very particular Sunday in May I was sitting by myself in sacrament meeting and I felt like the bishop was staring coldly at me though I was probably just being paranoid. I didn't feel comfortable being there so after sacrament meeting I got up and left. And I never went back.

Since then I have been to church a couple of times with relatives and friends but I haven't felt comfortable there. The bubble popped for me. I began doing research and found out that I no longer believed in the church. I began to despise Joseph Smith for being a manipulative con artist who only brought back polygamy because he couldn't keep it in his pants. (Whew! I have been holding that back from my LDS friends for years!)

Why do I feel the desire to go back? For starters, I'm lonely. I miss having the social connection I had there. I've been to other Christian churches and in most of them I wasn't feeling like I could make friends with them. One church I really enjoyed attending except that they weren't accepting of LGBT people and I am pro gay rights. (I know the LDS church isn't either.) I also didn't care for the "Amen!" and "Hallelujah!" outspoken Christians.

Another reason I want to go back is because I want to get married. I don't want a guy like my brother-in-law (though he's a good guy) who curses, drinks, smokes, etc. I want a high standards guy who loves and respects his mother (but doesn't still live with her) and puts God and family first. I can't stand the types of guys I meet on dating websites.

Something else which has been bothering me is my patriarchal blessing. That's right, I still have it. It was one of the only things which got me through my teenage years. One line of that blessing states, "You will be tempted. The world will love you and strive to attract you but you will have the strength of leadership to turn away and follow in the footsteps of the Lord and to provide leadership for others who waver". This statement is either a warning fortune teller or it's a manipulative tactic to keep me in line. I no longer have my scriptures or any other LDS material but I have never been able to bring myself to throw this paper away. Why?

So here's the problem: how can I possibly go back to something I no longer believe in? Can I be a casual Mormon?

Here's what I don't want. I don't want to feel like I am giving up any freedom by rejoining. I don't want to feel repressed or that I am part of a sales company aimed toward convert numbers instead of spiritual togetherness. I don't want to lie about how I feel or who I am.

There's an LDS church within walking distance of my place (I don't own a car but I could borrow my boss's car). I am seriously thinking about going to sacrament meeting tomorrow and see how I feel. I don't want to make a big deal out of this in case I can't handle being a member again. It would disappoint people.