Missing The LDS Church

I've never admitted this to any of my friends or family but I miss being in the LDS bubble. Please don't take offense to my calling it a bubble. For me it was a place of security like a favorite blanket which, up until my mid twenties, was a major part of my identity.

I grew up in a strict LDS home in Omaha where going to church every Sunday was required and so was going to Young Womens and seminary. I was the Molly Mormon whom my mom called "a good girl".  I chose to go to an LDS college because I had a strong testimony and I knew that if I went to a regular college that my faith would be tested. My goal in life was to marry in the temple and to have children. I wanted to be a mother more than anything.

After graduating from college and finding myself without a career, I became very angry and depressed. My brother and some of my sisters had stopped going to church. My brother's girlfriend became pregnant and my mother disappointed me with her reaction to the situation.

My dad lost his job and we all all moved to Louisiana shortly after hurricane Katrina. I was living in a three bedroom trailer sleeping on the couch and having the worst Christmas of my life and despising my mom for her insensitivity. Thankfully, my best friend let me go live with her, her husband, and their toddler. It was there that I began to doubt my beliefs. Her husband gave me a book on Joseph Smith and his wives and possible illegitimate children.

I missed Omaha and returned to live there with one of my sisters. We went to church together. Sometimes I would go by myself. On one not very particular Sunday in May I was sitting by myself in sacrament meeting and I felt like the bishop was staring coldly at me though I was probably just being paranoid. I didn't feel comfortable being there so after sacrament meeting I got up and left. And I never went back.

Since then I have been to church a couple of times with relatives and friends but I haven't felt comfortable there. The bubble popped for me. I began doing research and found out that I no longer believed in the church. I began to despise Joseph Smith for being a manipulative con artist who only brought back polygamy because he couldn't keep it in his pants. (Whew! I have been holding that back from my LDS friends for years!)

Why do I feel the desire to go back? For starters, I'm lonely. I miss having the social connection I had there. I've been to other Christian churches and in most of them I wasn't feeling like I could make friends with them. One church I really enjoyed attending except that they weren't accepting of LGBT people and I am pro gay rights. (I know the LDS church isn't either.) I also didn't care for the "Amen!" and "Hallelujah!" outspoken Christians.

Another reason I want to go back is because I want to get married. I don't want a guy like my brother-in-law (though he's a good guy) who curses, drinks, smokes, etc. I want a high standards guy who loves and respects his mother (but doesn't still live with her) and puts God and family first. I can't stand the types of guys I meet on dating websites.

Something else which has been bothering me is my patriarchal blessing. That's right, I still have it. It was one of the only things which got me through my teenage years. One line of that blessing states, "You will be tempted. The world will love you and strive to attract you but you will have the strength of leadership to turn away and follow in the footsteps of the Lord and to provide leadership for others who waver". This statement is either a warning fortune teller or it's a manipulative tactic to keep me in line. I no longer have my scriptures or any other LDS material but I have never been able to bring myself to throw this paper away. Why?

So here's the problem: how can I possibly go back to something I no longer believe in? Can I be a casual Mormon?

Here's what I don't want. I don't want to feel like I am giving up any freedom by rejoining. I don't want to feel repressed or that I am part of a sales company aimed toward convert numbers instead of spiritual togetherness. I don't want to lie about how I feel or who I am.

There's an LDS church within walking distance of my place (I don't own a car but I could borrow my boss's car). I am seriously thinking about going to sacrament meeting tomorrow and see how I feel. I don't want to make a big deal out of this in case I can't handle being a member again. It would disappoint people.

Seeing The Sights

So far I have been to a few interesting places in Phoenix. One of these is the Japanese Gardens. It's within walking distance though on a hot day I would go in the morning. Here are some pictures:

We fed the fish!


I have also been to a park near the Cubs ball field. I believe it was called River Way Park. The interesting part about the park was the water sprinklers for the kids to enjoy. Hana sure did!

Feeling Frustrated

The family went on vacation yesterday so I am here alone dog and house sitting. Yesterday I started to organize Hana's closet and the guest room closet. I also washed her brand new clothes so I can start hanging them up according to size. Last night I ordered dinner online. I had cheese ravioli and fried chicken.

This morning I set my alarm to wake me up at 6:45am so I could get the dogs outside by 7am to do their business. Then I fed them breakfast and took them on a walk. Ralphy was so excited to go on Ws (as the owners call it). I didn't enjoy the experience as much as I had hoped. The dogs had to sniff everything and mark every tree (why are there so many trees?) and neighbors were out walking their dogs as well. Ralphy is mean to other dogs. He barks at them all like he's the alpha dog. Dude, you are a pug! Ralphy pooped three times during our walk and Chloe once. I had doggy bags ready to use but it was difficult keeping the dogs still long enough to pick it all up.

Then I decided to try going to church. I was going to try last week but I got the stomach flu. So I put the dogs in their cage, gave them a treat, and got into Jeff's car. He has the same silly GPS system in his car as Angie's but his is touch screen. Still, I couldn't get the system to let me enter the house number of the church, only the street name. Hence, I'm driving blind and the GPS is telling me to get onto the freeway which I know is wrong. I can't figure out how to turn the GPS off so I keep yelling at it to shut up instead. Finally, I gave up and went home.

I'm frustrated with Phoenix. I can't get a handle on directions. We live in downtown Phoenix in a neighborhood with one way streets and partial round-a-bouts. Everyone parks on the street in our neighborhood. The one day Angie and I were going to ride the light rail (similar to SLC Trax) there was a shooting downtown so the light rail wouldn't go where we needed to go. I tried walking to the movie theater once last week but I passed so many sketchy people that I turned around and went home.

I am so nervous for summer to come because of the heat. It's already in the high 80s now. I can't even take relief in the pool because it's shaded by the trees and house so much that it is freezing cold. There are bees outside my casita everytime I go in and out I worry about them stinging me. We have this monster of a bee that's been buzzing around lately. I think it's a honey bee. Scary looking thing!

I just don't feel like I can make this place my home. I miss my friends in Utah. I miss how easy it was for me to know my way around there. I miss my Suzuki. Such a compact, dependable car!

I am under no obligation to stay except that I bought a plane ticket to visit Omaha in late May. The nanny agency is ready to help me find a new family if I choose to leave. I love being with Hana again. She and Angie are the only friends I have here.

A Day of Pretty

Being in a situation where I could afford the time and money to do so, I met with a plastic surgeon to consult about liposuction. Unfortunately, after a quick examination, I was told that I was too fat for liposuction. I would have to diet and exercise to lose weight before he would consider operating on me. Doesn't that seem a little ironic?

After learning I was too fat for liposuction, I needed to feel pretty. So, I found a salon within walking distance of home and made an appointment for a facial and a make-up application lesson. The facial was heavenly! It included hand and feet massage and soothing music. I wasn't sure about the make-up at first. I looked rather odd until she was finished.

Here is the final result:

I am not one to wear make-up on a daily basis but I hope to reproduce this look next time I dress up.

Hana's First Art Project

I had Angie pick up a box of vanilla jello pudding. She already had the milk and food coloring. Today while Hana ate her lunch, I made up the pudding then separated it into four paper bowls. Then I added food coloring to the four bowls and created her finger paint.

After lunch I striped Hana down to her diaper and took her in the backyard on the hard floor. I placed a large sheet of brown paper on the ground and put the bowls around it. I showed Hana what to do by placing my own hand in a bowl, then placing it on the paper. Baby wipes handy!

The pics are super cute but I don't want to post her pic online. Let's just say she got jello pudding paint all over her hands, face, and body. Then she discovered it tasted good! Oh boy!

Success!!!

Erie?

Erie is pronounced Airy because Hana can't say Erin yet. I like it, though. It's a cute nickname.

IHOP Day

I moved to Phoenix a week and a half ago. Today was IHOP day for a free stack of pancakes so Angie, Hana and I went in early to get breakfast. On our way, we passed some leaning trees seen here. Angie said they are leaning toward the sun.

We also saw some water fountains. Hana liked these.

Time for pancakes!