What Happened To You
You Became Confused About the Difference Between “The Spirit” and Emotion
Throughout your membership in the church, you had been taught to equate strong emotional experiences with Mormon-centered manifestations of the Holy Ghost. At some point along the way, you had a deeply moving emotional or spiritual experience outside the context of Mormonism. This experience might have happened when you were watching a profound but fictional movie or reading a great book. It could have happened when you visited a war memorial or while attending another church. You then began to question what the difference was between a Mormon-style spiritual confirmation of "truth," and a basic, human emotional response.
Trying to "Un-Mormon" Yourself
As you traveled down this shocking road of discovery, you began to feel as though the framework for your entire world was falling apart. Your family relationships, your friendships, your code of ethics, even your identity -- virtually everything about you was anchored in Mormonism. Where could you go from here? Because you had been taught to view Mormonism and the world in a binary fashion, as either completely true or completely false, your immediate inclination was to declare the LDS Church "false" and fraudulent. The next logical step was to abandon it completely. However, there was still a great deal that you loved about the Church. Abandoning it did not feel quite right either.
In our experience, for someone who has reached your level of commitment and devotion to the LDS Church, it is almost impossible to simply "un-Mormon" yourself. As we mentioned before, your entire identity, moral code, sense of spirituality, family and social structures, and even framework for life have been built upon the foundation of Mormonism. It is the same for us. Mormon is simply who we are. This is our tribe, our people. We are Mormons through and through. We could in theory leave the church, but we could probably never, as they say, leave it alone.
Consequently if you are like us, you may find the task of trying to comprehensively extricate yourself from Mormonism as comparable to trying to remove the wooden frame from a standing house and then expecting the house to remain in good stead. It is likely impossible to do so in any constructive manner. Think for a moment about what it would take to completely eliminate Mormonism from your life -- the identity, the community, the familial expectations, etc. For many, it is akin to completely ripping their life apart - piece by piece - until there is little remaining.
For many but not all, this reason alone is compelling motivation to consider finding a way to stay within Mormonism.
Maybe One of the Best There is
Some ex-LDS find happiness in other churches. But this experience is often the exception. Many of us, after becoming disillusioned with the LDS church, began "church shopping" to try and find a better church. This shopping includes visits to Unitarian, Presbyterian, Episcopalian, Catholic and other churches. Unfortunately, none of these churches ultimately felt like home to us. We have not been able to find a better church or organization for us and our families than the LDS church -- warts and all. In our experience, all churches and organizations are a mixed bag of good and bad. Consequently, each must decide what the optimal cost/benefit is for self and family. For us, and perhaps for many of you, the overall best choice is to stay where we are.
Keep the Faith
Resist the tendency to abandon all faith. Just because you have become disappointed by certain aspects of your faith tradition, try not to let go of all the things in your spiritual life that still produce value and goodness. Here are some examples of adapting faith so that it can exist simultaneously with new uncertainty about religious “truth.”
- You can still believe in God at some level, even if you struggle with the idea of an anthropomorphic God (old man with a white beard on a throne image) or even a mean-spirited God (like He sometimes comes across in the Old Testament).
- You can have a testimony of the value and wisdom of Jesus' teachings, even if you are unsure of the historical Jesus.
- You can still find great inspiration and truth in the Book of Mormon, even if you are unconvinced as to its complete historicity.
- You can still believe that Joseph Smith and President Monson were or are divinely inspired, even while simultaneously being flawed.
- You can still believe that God dwells within Mormonism, while also dwelling elsewhere.
- Even though church members sometimes set things up as "all or nothing," "true or false," "legitimate or a complete fraud," you do not have to bow to this paradigm of thought.
Every rose has its thorns. Every beauty queen or high school hunk has a pimple or two.
Tactfully Embrace the Title "Buffet Mormon"
A "buffet Mormon" is someone who does not believe every doctrine the church might teach and does not do every task the church might ask. A buffet Mormon chooses among what is offered and leaves the rest. The term "cafeteria Mormon" means the same thing. Take the dishes that work for you. Eat them and enjoy them. They are nourishing to the soul. Pass up the dishes that don’t work. You can go back later. Perhaps your tastes will change.
Proudly embrace the title buffet Mormon. No one can eat everything in a buffet, even if all of the food is healthy and good. No one, not even the prophets, can do everything that is expected within Mormonism. If you think about it, all Mormons are buffet Mormons. It's just a matter of to what degree and how guilty we make ourselves feel about it. Sure we should all try our best to be as good as possible; however, we all fall short, prophets and apostles included. Believe us on this one. No one can do everything required by the LDS gospel with perfection -- gardens, journals, scripture study, meetings, all the prayers, temple, callings, perfect parent and spouse, earn a living, genealogy, etc., ad nauseam. Stop feeling guilty about it! Embrace it. Decide your limits. Set boundaries. Balance your life to the healthiest extent possible. Make conscious decisions about what you will do and do a good job at it. Explore what speaks to your soul. Several recent conference talks have even encouraged this approach.
Keep the Good. Ignore the Bad. You are the Captain of Your Ship.
In summary, embrace what works for you and your family and reject what does not work. At least put down the burden for now. Throw away all of the guilt! And most importantly, know that God would really want it this way. God gave you a brain and a heart for a reason. Use them. Make decisions about what is best for you. Do the best you can, and put the rest in the hands of the Lord.
Seriously. You are the captain of your ship. Free agency was given for a reason. If you are having trouble with this concept, spend some good time in prayer and/or contemplation. Let go. Feel the unconditional love and total acceptance of your Savior. Whatever you decide, everything is really going to be OK.
- Goodness, not "One Trueness":
Never lie to your children, or mislead them into thinking that you believe things you really do not. This dishonesty will only come back to bite you in the end. Make it very clear at an early age (We recommend eight years old.) that you do not take them to the LDS Church because you believe it to be the "one and only true church." In our experience, this concept will actually be very intuitive for them to understand. Take the time to explain that you are Mormons by culture and heritage, and you have a great deal of love and respect for the church. But you do not believe everything that the church teaches. They shouldn't feel compelled to believe everything either. Also make it clear to them that you deeply value and respect all faiths and denominations. The Mormon Church has some good things that you agree with, some bad things that you don't agree with, and that standard is the same for other religions. Encourage them to decide for themselves exactly what is true and what is error -- both within the church and without. In the end, teach them to respect the church but never blindly.
- God is not a Bigot:
If you're not happy with the historical status of women, blacks, Native Americans or homosexuals in the church, use it as a teaching moment to explain that churches (like schools, businesses, governments, etc.) have weaknesses. They should not ever feel compelled to believe any church teaching that propagates bigotry.
CONCLUSION
The middle way of Mormonism is not for everyone and is definitely not likely to be sanctioned by church leaders anytime soon. Nonetheless, we have corresponded with literally hundreds of disaffected Mormons over the past several years. It amazes us that an astoundingly large percentage of those who have left the church have not, in the long run, found the peace, solace and spirituality they thought they would find through leaving completely. Some have found what they need through leaving, we readily admit that. Sometimes, it really is what someone needs in order to move on with their life. But a heavy percentage of those who leave to this day write us to say, "I wish I could go back. I thought I wouldn't miss it, but I do. I desperately miss the church. I just don't know how to return, or how to make it all work."
The middle way of Mormonism is not for everyone and is definitely not likely to be sanctioned by church leaders anytime soon. Nonetheless, we have corresponded with literally hundreds of disaffected Mormons over the past several years. It amazes us that an astoundingly large percentage of those who have left the church have not, in the long run, found the peace, solace and spirituality they thought they would find through leaving completely. Some have found what they need through leaving, we readily admit that. Sometimes, it really is what someone needs in order to move on with their life. But a heavy percentage of those who leave to this day write us to say, "I wish I could go back. I thought I wouldn't miss it, but I do. I desperately miss the church. I just don't know how to return, or how to make it all work."
http://staylds.com/docs/HowToStay.html
